The Big Elephant in My Life...

Well, today is only Day 2 as a live blog, and I am a bit anxious to jump right into this next stuff. But if I am going to be true to myself and true to the reason why I started this blog - transparency & authenticity - then I have to expose the big elephant in my life right away...

We are infertile.

Colin and I found out in December 2004 that it would be nearly impossible for us to get pregnant on our own. As many of you know, Colin had cancer when we were in college and underwent some hard-core chemotherapy treatments. It is a miracle that he has been in complete remission for over six years - PRAISE GOD! The chemotherapy that saved his life, however, is the cause of our infertility issues today. We are extremely blessed that due in large part to the wisdom of Colin's oncologist we have a Plan B.

I had no idea in December 2004 of the magnitude of the message that the doctor delivered to us. Both Colin and I are extremely pragmatic people, and so my natural, immediate reaction was to begin thinking of a plan for how to prepare for this new reality. We discussed the money, timing, etc. We began to do some preliminary research (primarily over the internet). And that, my friends, is how I/we lived for the next two years - completely ignorant to what this all meant, but none the less planning and saving and "preparing" (or so we thought). We also stopped all birth control, and figured we'd see if God chose to defy the odds by blessing us "naturally."

Fast forward to late 2006...I had just completed my year-long training program for work. As I settled back into life free from my training classes and travels, I began to realize that the accomplishment of completing the training program, the accolades and promotion at work, etc. weren't really doing it for me. It was then that this ache/longing in my heart for a child began to surface again.

The longing and strong desire for children had always been there for me. I have been fascinated with pregnant ladies since I was a little girl. I loved dolls and played house all the time as a kid. I was thrilled when I was finally old enough to start babysitting, and I quickly became the go-to girl for several families in our neighborhood and church. Even in high school I can remember talking with friends about our favorite cars, and my response was always, "I want a Tahoe with carseats in the back." Something was becoming very clear to me...despite the success in school and work, nothing could replace my first passion/goal: motherhood!

We found a reproductive endocrinologist in mid-2006 and spent most of that summer/fall doing all sorts of testing to prepare for our treatments (and I mean pages of tests/items). Our doctor confirmed that invitro fertilization (IVF) was our only option. We finalized our savings plan and began to pray for the right timing to begin treatments.

2007 was a rough year, a real emotional roller coaster. It seemed like every month either one of my friends was having a baby and/or another was announcing their pregnancy. For most of my friends, the whole getting pregnant process took no more than six months or so. My heart was slowly breaking. I was ecstatic for my friends, but at the same time there was a growing bitterness in my heart - why is it so easy (and in a lot of cases pretty fast) for all of them, yet for us this has been and will continue to be a long journey? Why hadn't God defied the odds and blessed our infertile womb the way we knew He could - the way He had done for Sarah, Elizabeth, Hannah, and so many other women in the Bible?

In the fall of 2007 we started our first IVF cycle. Our checklist of tests was complete, our savings was in tact, and we were confident in our top-notch doctor and his team. I started with a couple of weeks back on the birth control pill (to shut my system down), and then eventually began daily shots. It started with one shot each night, and eventually I was up to three shots each night. I was able to inject myself with all of the shots with minimal or no pain (but lots of terrible bruising). I was going to the doctor every other morning for an ultrasound and blood work. Things appeared to be progressing smoothly. How could they not be, though? They were monitoring everything so closely, and we (me, my doctor and nurse) were on top of things. I was feeling pretty good, and mostly I was just grateful to finally be "doing" something rather than just talking about it or thinking about it.

Then in late October, less than one week before our scheduled egg retrieval procedure, the doctor told me that he was going to cancel my cycle. What?! Apparently, my body had not produced enough eggs and because I was young the doc thought we could do better. He felt my number didn't justify the egg retrieval procedure (the physical effects as well as the cost). I was crushed. You see, they had given me this calendar when we started the cycle, and because of the information laid out on that I had been operating under the belief that I would be pregnant by Halloween.

I refused to walk through that waiting room and out the office door in tears that morning, so I sucked it up. I went and had my blood work. As I left the lab that day, I ran into this girl from my doctor's office that was also doing IVF (we had seen each other several times waiting for our ultrasounds). As we passed she said, "I guess I'll see you Monday." That would have been my next appointment. I barely made it to the car before I lost it. Colin could barely understand me when I called him - I was sobbing behind my steering wheel in the parking lot. He did his best to comfort me, but he was pretty much silent (which for Colin means that he was deeply effected/upset as well). I went home and curled up in a ball on the couch. I called some of my family, and they did their best to comfort/encourage, but they couldn't understand (they had never been through this). I felt so alone. I pulled myself together and headed to a golf tournament later that afternoon. I put a smile on my face, entertained my customers, etc., but it was hard.

You know what, my friends? PRAISE GOD because the story doesn't end there. I slowly began to learn over the next several days that God was right there with me. I heard songs on KSBJ every time I turned the radio on that encouraged me (I love what God does through that station - He always play exactly what you need to hear at that moment!). My brother was absolutely amazing...he cried with me, laughed with me, and just outright encouraged me. My friend, Ronda, was a true gift. She covered me with prayer, she listened to me even when I was being irrational and made no sense, she loved on me despite being a state away. You see, God revealed Himself to me in all these ways and so many more. He was showing me that this was and will always be about Him. It's not about me and my planning, or the medicine, or the doctor. It is about Him and His miracle called life.

I'll catch you up to speed on the latest happenings in another post. It's taken me two days to write this one, so I think that probably translates to enough reading for now. Thank you for allowing me to share.

Lord, I ask you to please use this. Please bring readers to this site that need to know that they are not alone!

God's not done yet - can I get a Hallelujah! Amen!? - so stay tuned...