Miracle - Part III

Where do I even start? Today has been such an emotional roller coaster. I'll begin by saying that my appointment this morning went well. My ultrasound showed more than double the amount of measurable follicles - PRAISE GOD! The nurse called this afternoon and said that my hormone levels in my blood work looked great too. It was very encouraging...so far I appear to be doing better than last time! The Lord is definitely moving and creating within me! The news was all very positive, but for some reason I am having a hard time getting excited this time around.

I'll be honest, I have been very emotionally numb for the past week or so. I think it is my body's natural defense mechanisms coming into play. I have been devastated twice in the past through this process, and I now fully understand that at any appointment this whole thing could fall apart. The uncertainty is probably one of the hardest parts.

The Lord has been faithful to show Himself to me today, though. I got in my car and not more than a few seconds after I backed out of my parking space Natalie Grant's song "Better Hands Now" came on KSBJ. I felt as though God Himself was telling me to be still because He is carrying me securely in the palm of His hand, the best place. He has my circumstance, this treatment cycle, and my desire for a child safe in the palm of His hand too. It was a beautiful moment for me.

Later today I went to a luncheon at the Hobby Center. The keynote speakers were two women who had extensive careers with NASA. Both had been in space, and both described the beauty of looking out the space shuttle's windows and seeing the universe. The awe of the stars, the planets, the meteors was so moving for them. It was in this moment that the Lord reminded me that He created and orchestrated the entire universe. He put each of the planets and each of the stars in its place. In the same way, He is orchestrating my life, and more specifically this journey. His timing is perfect. His placement ideal. And when the Lord creates, the end result is breathtaking and beautiful. (Yes, I was crying!)

I feel as though I've asked God for a child about 18,000 times now. I am confident He knows my heart on this, and beyond that I believe that He created me with the desire to be a mother. As such my prayer this cycle is 1) that God's will be done, 2) that He prepare our hearts for the outcome (I know that He has gone before us and already knows how this will unfold), and 3) that God be glorified and make Himself known through this chapter in our journey.

I know that ultimately I was put on this earth to bring Him glory. By the Lord's grace alone, I am beginning to believe that I would rather be in a place that brings Him glory than be a mother. That is ultimately my life's purpose. It has taken months for the Lord to bring me to this place. Of course, my heart's deepest desire is that I am able to bring glory to Him and be a mother. However, I now realize that my life would be fruitless - dare I say wasted even - if I do not allow Him to use me for His purpose and His glory. I believe He will bless us with a child (maybe even children) in His perfect timing, and I don't want to rush it. I am trusting and believing that He will bring a child (or children) into our lives only when the timing and circumstances are such that He can receive the most glory! I think this shift of heart may be the first miracle of this chapter - PRAISE GOD!

Thank you again for your support and encouragement. We so appreciate your continued prayers! I do not have specific requests this time. I trust that the Lord will show each of you prayer warriors how to pray for us in the coming days.

I am back to the doctor on Friday morning for another check-up. I should learn a lot more at that appointment. Don't worry - y'all will be some of the first to know!

Love you guys!