"That Girl"

I hate being a needy girl. I much prefer being the one who has all her stuff together and has everything, including her emotions, under control.

The Lord called me to speak up about our journey to parenthood. I know that He wants me to share my heart - the good, the bad, and the ugly. But I have tried writing this post so many times now, and have just ended up deleting it. I prefer to write posts that tie up at the end with a pretty bow. But does life ever tie up in the end with a pretty bow? Is that really being authentic? Probably not.

This week reality has settled in new ways. Maybe it's in part because I went back to work, and now life is supposed to just go on status quo. Maybe it has something to do with reading too many blogs - the blog world has been such a blessing in some respects, but in others it can become depressing. Everyone else's world appears to moving on beautifully and things are falling into place for them. I, on the other hand, have been called to a "be still" season. The thing I want most right now, the thing I have dreamed of and prayed for the majority of my life is not within my reach.

I am a doer. I am an achiever. I am very competitive (those of you who have ever played a game with me can attest to this!). I like to be moving. I want to see progress. So this "be still" thing is driving me insane. Why does everyone else's world get to keep moving forward and mine needs to rest? Why do other people get to keep progressing in their journey to parenthood and I have to wait? Why does it seem that someone else is announcing their pregnancy or the birth of their baby on their blog every other day and there is nothing in my power to change my situation? Just being honest. These are the questions that I wrestle with daily.

My bestie asked me yesterday in the most gentle, loving way if maybe my pride wasn't coming into play. I thought about that long and hard last night, and I think she may be on to something. I think my ego is telling me not to turn into "that girl." My pride is saying that everyone out there expects me to be sad and broken right now, and I want to prove them wrong and show them that you don't have to turn into a weepy mess.

But this is my newest reality. My miscarriage really happened. We lost three babies, and multiple other embryo babies, in the last month. It is highly probable that I will never experience a full-term, viable pregnancy - the ultrasounds with Mr. Wonderful, the growing belly, the joy after giving birth, nursing, etc. It is quite possible that we will never have biological children. This is our reality, sad but true.

I guess the Lord is trying to show me that it's not a bad thing to be "that girl" in certain circumstances. I am realizing that it's ok to be sad and grieve. It's healthy to allow yourself to experience painful emotions and ask the Lord to help you work through them. This is something that He and I need to work on together now. If I keep ignoring this it will turn into deep, buried wounds that I'll struggle with forever. And the jealousy and bitterness that comes from those wounds could do horrific damage - I could lose friends that I care for deeply (it's very possible that my infertility friends could have chidren before me, it's very possible that my "normal" friends could have their second and third children before me, etc.). It could cause rifts in my family. It could wreak havoc on my marriage. Worse yet, it could distance me from the Lord.

I need to work through these emotions with the Lord's help. And I think that I need to find a group of people that are also on the road to adoption with us. For the first time in a long time, I am feeling all alone in our journey again. (I hope this does not offend a few of you - Courtney, Jocelyn, etc. - who are in similar places that have reached out to me. It's just hard when you have no existing friends around that can relate to closing the medical treatment/pregnancy door with no child already in arms and move on to adoption).

So as much as I hate being "that girl," I am asking if you will pray for me, for us. Please pray for comfort and healing. Please pray against the enemy's attacks. Please ask the Lord to specifically help me with my competitiveness, my jealousy and my bitterness. And please ask the Lord to bring new friends along side us that can relate to our journey.

Thanks for hanging in here with me - the good, the bad, and the ugly.