What's Goin' On?

A lot.

There is a part of me that feels like I've been hiding out behind the "Me & My Man" series for over a month now. Don't get me wrong - I have loved every minute of reminiscing and documenting our love story. It has been therapy in a way. It's been good for me to focus on the positive and the blessings in my life because there have been many dark days recently.

This summer has been tough for me. The reality of our situation has continued to settle, and it sucks. There have been a few days in the last month where I didn't even have the will power to get out of bed. Why? What's the point? That's how I felt. There have been lots and lots and lots of tears. (Has Kleenex's stock price gone up?!) And there have been time where I have seriously felt like God gave me one of the worst lives ever. I know this may sound dramatic, but I'm just being honest.

In my spheres of involvement (work, friends, church, etc.) I have double-digit number of people that are pregnant. A couple weekends ago we had three different couples tell us they were pregnant - three friends in two days! It has been overwhelming at times. I am very excited for all of these people, and it brings me joy to see their dreams come true and watch their families grow. It just hurts too. It's a reminder that pregnancy is so natural (and in some cases easy). Why not us too?

My whole life my parents have encouraged me and told me that I could be anything I wanted to be. They have challenged me and supported me in all my endeavors. Growing up in the church I was also taught that there are certain areas in which you don't back-down or compromise. Perhaps it's an unhealthy sense of self-entitlement, but this is one of those areas I am having a hard time letting go and backing down on. I want this so badly. It seems so basic - don't compromise when it comes to your family. We've done everything we can do and sacrificed a lot too, yet God is still holding out on us (or at least that's how I feel sometimes). Adoption was not our Plan A, and it wasn't even our Plan B. In my limited human-perspective, I feel like He's asking us to settle.

I am learning there is nothing I can do any more. NOTHING. I just have to let God hold me and carry me through this. And I have to trust Him. He has a different calling for our family, and I must trust that for us it will be so much better than any other alternative. I can trust Him not just because it's "the right thing to do" but because He has proven to me time and time again that He is truly trustworthy. It's not compromising, it's not second (or third) best. His ways are higher than ours. Not just higher like we are too "human" or stupid to understand them. Higher as in better, greater, superior.

And so we are choosing, by His strength and grace alone, to follow Him. He is leading us down this path to adoption, and no matter how many times I throw myself down on the ground, kicking and screaming and throwing a tantrum about this, He continues to lovingly pick me up and carry me further.

We have made some steps on our road to adoption, and I look forward to sharing more on that with you in the near future. This is enough for now. This is what's goin' on with me - struggling and hurting on my own, but finding strength and focus because of Him.

I share all this because I know that in this broken, screwed up world there are a lot of you out there that are hurting too. I just want you to know that you're not alone. My heart is breaking right now too. Let's band together, though, and commit to pray for one another. With God's help and the support of fellow Believers we will be overcomers, not the ones overcome. So, what's goin' on with you? E-mail me or leave a comment if there is something specific I can be praying for you about.