New Mercies, New Chapters

I have tried writing this post about five times now. I love to write, and usually words come easily to me. This post is different. Words feel so inadequate. Inadequate to describe the pain we've been feeling, but also inadequate to describe the peace and healing as well.

In order to be true to the purpose of this blog - authenticity and transparency - I want to give this a try. Please bear with me.

Thursday was a terrible day. Mr. Wonderful called it the worst day of his life (which is powerful coming from a guy who by no means embraces drama/exaggeration and who has also been to the brink of death and back in the past). The doctor's news shattered our world. We found out that all three of our babies did not survive, and we also learned that our dream of a successful IVF pregnancy was dead as well.

The strongest emotion we both battled on Thursday after our appointment was anger. I was livid. Mr. Wonderful felt so defeated that he wanted to throw in the towel on everything (again, not like my Mr. Wonderful in the least). We could not fathom why God would allow things to play out like this. Why would He take our babies away from us when it is in His full power to breath life into them? Why would He allow us to learn we are possibly pregnant, then grieve what we thought was a miscarriage over Memorial Day weekend, then tell us the following week that our counts were improving and quite strong, then allow us to celebrate our pregnancy with friends and family, to ultimately take the lives within me home to Him? Why? Why? Why?

Thursday night I slept 14 hours. It was fitful sleep, though. I awoke several times in the night with vivid, painful dreams. Sometime I would awake shaking I was so mad, and other times I would wake up sobbing with a wet pillow case. A beautiful thing happened to me that night, though. Amidst my terrible dreams and strong emotions I kept hearing the lyrics to Casting Crowns' "Praise You in This Storm." It was the strangest thing. One part of my mind was racing with anger and grief and the other part was subconsciously reciting the lyrics to this song. It wasn't until Friday morning that I fully appreciated what was happening. Just like the lyrics say, God was quietly whispering to me through the rain, "I am with you." He was reminding me that He had not left my side and that He was still very much sovereign over this journey.

Friday we continued to struggle with grief and pain over our loss. The Lord was faithful to delicately help us put one foot in front of the other. And as we talked through things, we began to feel a strange sense of peace and relief. As I have mentioned before, we knew going into this cycle (our third try) that it would be our last. And although we were both grieving the fact that we will likely never experience pregnancy and we will likely never have a biological child, I felt the burden of infertility and IVF lift off of me. I was relieved that my life was no longer going to be dictated by an IVF calendar. I have given nine months of my life and had more doctor's appointments, ultrasounds, blood work needle pokes, and tests than I can even begin to count. I have had multiple procedures, and have administered roughly 200 injections in my thighs, stomach, and hips (some with the help of Colin and my brave friend Jess). We have spent enough money to buy a very nice car or pay for 3/4 of a college education at Texas A&M. More than all this is the emotional toll this journey has had on both of us. Tears have been plentiful and fear/stress were constant nagging companions.

This next stuff may not make complete sense to a lot of you, even those of you who are on your own infertility journeys. Believe me, I would have never dreamed that these words would ever come out of my mouth until now - I have unexplainable peace and relief that this chapter of my life is over. The Lord is bringing us to a point where we can now realize that it is not pregnancy that makes a family. Families are all hand-picked by Him, and no matter how they come together, He is the author. We are trusting that He is knitting our family together even now.

I do not regret any decision we have made up to this point. The Lord is with us, and He has opened every door and walked us through each step of the way. He continues to do a great work in our heart and it is only because of Him that we are able to be cognizant that He is lovingly closing the IVF door. The peace that we feel at the end of this chapter is only by His grace.

Mr. Wonderful and I have had a heart for adoption for years. In fact, Ronda reminded me the other day that Mr. Wonderful and I were talking about adopting kids five years ago when we first met her. Mr. Wonderful and I always pictured that we would have one or two kids "naturally" (naturally for us, of course, means through IVF) and then adopt a couple more. Apparently, though, the Lord has something bigger and better planned, and we are excited.

I have always liked to be a little different. Not a freak that stands out like a sore thumb, but I don't like blending in with everyone else either. It brings me great excitement that our family will likely not look like everyone else's. I have prayed for five years that our marriage would shine Jesus to the world. I have prayed too (especially in the last nine months) that our family would bring glory to God. I am thrilled that it is quite possible that just looking at our family will elicit questions. Questions that will allow us to share the great work the Lord has done in our lives. What an honor that our journey will be told over and over again, for years and generations to come, and His goodness and His glory will continue to shine through it! What a privilege to be a part of this legacy!

Thank you for continuing to stand by our side through all this. Thank you for your loving cards, voice mails, and e-mails over the past several days. Thank you most of all for going before the Lord on our behalf. The Lord has honored your prayers and protected us and given us great strength. Please continue to pray for our fresh wounds. Specifically it continues to hurt us that we will likely never have a biological child - we still struggle accepting this one. Please also pray for us as we slowly begin to embark on our new journey to adoption. If you know of any good agencies, please feel free to leave the name and website in a comment. We are definitely in research mode. Also, we know of several families who have come about through private adoptions (i.e. where a friend of a friend knows of a young woman wanting to place her baby for adoption and the two parties are introduced). We'd be honored if you would keep our names in mind if the Lord shows you a situation like this.

We have a long road ahead of us. We are grateful for your continued prayers and partnership on this journey.